Grieving

[laura2001]

As you know we lost Fern last week after a battle with cancer. Bella & Brodie were with us as we said goodbye, so they knew what had happened after a horrendous time with a previous dog, where we did the wrong thing of not letting Bella see Grady after he had gone.

Fern was the matriarch of our pack, with a huge presence in the home. She provided a calmness, and mothered both dogs when they first arrived. Fern never really got involved with the other 2 when they were playing, but acted as referee if things went too far. Both dogs checked in with her throughout the day (she preferred to stay in her bed watching everything from the sidelines!) Including on walks, where she remained on lead whilst Bella & Brodie are able to go off lead.

Bella & Brodie are best mates, and are a real double act together.

We have kept our daily routine the same as much as possible.

Both dogs are grieving, and we're currently using rescue remedy in their water. Both have becime clingy whilst in the house, which is fine, and we know with time will diminish. They're fine when we go out.

Bella has become withdrawn, sleeping most of the time, and appears to be quite flat. Brodie paces around and can't settle, especially at night which we're finding it hard to cope with.

Unfortunately adopting another steady hound isn't feasible at the moment, with a baby due in June and we're looking at moving house later this year, so don't think it would be fair on a new dog.

Does anyone have any advice to help us all through this difficult time? I know it's still early days, but if we could make it any easier to transition, then we're willing to try anything.

Thanks xx

[greybeard]

No real advice Laura - it's a horrible thing.Tillie was PTS at home - and our vet insisted it was better for Kizzie not to be there.Glad to say he's now changed his mind after dealing with afterwards.She was given homeopathic treatment,which at least stopped her from looking everywhere for her sister.Adopting Perry made a huge difference - but every time she saw a fawn grey/lurcher she thought it was Tillie and got upset again.Perry just lost his sparkle and Jem perked him up - but as you,said that's not an answer at the moment.Cath

[alexandsteve]

Ceecee was a lot less lively when Baxter went to the bridge.

She was alone with just me (I wasn't working at the time) and she just slowly faded in her personality and interest in things.
I tied everything to fill that gap and took her on long exciting walks, cuddles, good treats etc but her sparkle had gone, she enjoyed those things but was just not the same.

I guess I also became sadder with her and I think she knew that too, we both were broken hearted like anyone would be.

I know you still have 2 dogs so it's not exactly the answer but once Samson came along, even though Cee wasn't keen, over time he started to fill a hole, just a little bit and then a lot more.

Baxter to me will never be replaced but we love Samson so much and I know he makes Ceecee happy and behave like a little norty scamp again. That's all that matters to me.

Happy dogs=happy me.

I hope you find an answer or that time will bring you and your fur kids peace.

Hugs to you, you're not on your own that's for sure xxx

[sharonhigh45]

I don't think a lot of people realise just how much our pets miss each other when they are gone, Skye was very quiet and she had seen Leah after she passed away, that is why we got Moss so quickly and it did make a difference, but we only had one hound, your whole family is grieving at the moment and it will pass with time but not easy in the moment, sending a big hug to you all.x

[laura2001]

Thank you both for your advice. I'm open to adopting another steady hound, as I'm convinced its what they both need.

I think we need a pack leader, as both need reassurance because although Bella is bossy with Brodie, she's always been '2nd in command' so to speak. It's as tho neither of them know what to do without a leader to guide them, which I have never encountered before.

We're really committed to our dogs, they always have and always will be, a huge part of our lives, which is why OH thinks taking in another at this time isn't the best option due to the changes that are going to occur this year. Having a baby is a big unknown to us. We'll make anything work, I know that but whether it's fair when settling in a new hound to expect them to take on new things just as they're settling in, I'm not sure.

I'm more open to having another, I think I need it as well as the dogs in order to heal. The newbie will never replace Fern, I know that, but I can take comfort in knowing we're helping another needy soul in her memory. Very confusing times.

[sharonhigh45]

We never replace the ones we have lost but make way for ones that need a Home and sadly there are so many animals of all kinds out there who are just waiting to find their place, we have to think about when it is the right time, as you have said there are lots of things going on and it cannot be denied that it is stressful at first taking a newbie in, even a PARROT! I have had to make sure all my other pets have not been ignored and get the same attention, in some ways like I did taking in Moss quickly really worked but everyone's circumstances are different and from what you say a pack leader would probably help to return things to a bit of normality, but they are a lifelong committment as you know, it is a lot to think about, I know that when Skye the old staffie departs this life we will have another to keep Moss company, it is a horrible sad time for all and unfortunately we have all had the experience and will again because we care and the circle of life keeps going. xx

[ragsysmum]

I guess in some ways we are lucky having only oldies both foster and adopted. They come and go quite often (sounds awful that)and those left don't seem to notice or bother when one 'disappears' whether for rehoming or going to the Bridge. Little GAP girl Elsie has been with us two years and already seen several come and go and never shows any concern even though she is friends with them when they are here.

[Ted]

When Missy left for the Bridge as Merlin was not allowed by the vet surgery we were with at the time to see she was gone, he could not understand what had happened to his best girl friend who he also thought was his mother, he grieved for ages afterwards and still even over 4 years later not fully recovered. Although he still had Menta, our Ibizan Hound to play with, then Mickey-Finn came followed by Kelly both Greyhounds, but he has not really taken to these two thinks they are jumped up teenagers. Also Menta is now Blind and diabetic so she can't be off the lead to play with Merlin any more for her own safety. However Kelly is now safe off the lead when we are walking at the park, so Merlin who will be 12 in May has someone to be with when they are sniffing in the bushes. Mickey I have to keep on the lead as he has nil recall, but is getting slowly better. Mickey and Kelly act like a couple quite often.
As someone said we can't replace the ones we have lost but take on others who need a home to give them a better life. Both Mickey and Kelly accept Merlin as the boss dog, and look after Menta the best they can. All four are a good pack of Hounds together with no aggression between them or to other dogs of all breeds and sizes. I have to drive 5 miles to the park to walk them and now and then there is some shouting because Menta being blind sometimes walks on their feet.

[vickyb]

It's a big thing to do to adopt another when you've got a huge change coming with the baby. Walking 2 plus a pushchair must be a lot easier than 3. Personally I'd hope that in time they settle again. It must be such a difficult time for you with the baby coming along soon, not ideally the time for such changes or for adopting another dog. If anything were to go wrong and you had to go into hosp it would be even harder with a newbie.

We came very close to a knee jerk adoption after losing Sapphy as I felt so broken and the dogs felt so quiet it was the only thing I could see helping. I have never been so upset even after losing my parents but for several reasons it isn't the right time for us or for the other dogs. I've never had a problem adopting within days of losing one before but I'm glad we held off. I had a terrible 3 - 4 wks, not helped by an incredibly insensitive person making me question our decision to let her go, I just wanted to die. But we all suddenly turned a corner and the dogs are bouncing and weirdly seem to have shared out a lot of Sapphys 'jobs' such as Gracie has become meal time alarm and gets vocal bang on 5 pm which she never did. Things are settling down again although Bod and Maddie follow me around. I hope you find something similar happens. I miss Sapphy and get wet eyes every day but life is becoming more bearable day by day. When will you start maternity leave? such a lot of changes for you all.

Hope everything works out whatever you decide

[greybeard]

It was a good 6 months after losing Tillie that we adopted Perry,we tried everything to settle Kiz.Meeting Perry she was OK with,fine when he came home,and being an honary Gap hound convinced her that the world wasn't such a scary place.After losing Kiz it was 8 months before adopting little Jem cos the circumstances weren't right - No. 2 son's wedding and a possible spinal op for Chris.

You've got big changes coming soon,Bella and Brodie will have to adapt to a baby and a new home,hopefully that will give them time to adjust to losing Fern.

Everybodies circumstances are different - for us alot easier,cos our family was long completed and no plans for moving house.Cath

[laura2001]

Thanks Vicky I'm glad everything is settling down for you and your family. We've also had some insensitive comments from people, which really doesn't help. I know we did the right thing for Fern, whih is all we could ever do, no matter how hard it has been for us. As soon as her mobility was affected we aid it wasn't fair, as she lived for her walks, and we wanted to let her go before she felt pain or suffered. 

I've lost dogs before, but this time hurts so much, for all of us. It feels we've lost the 'glue' that held us all together, she had such a big presence. I know it's still early days, each day is getting a little easier, and I hope this continues. Brodie continues to be unsettled in the night, we had several nights where he howled and squeaked almost every hour, but this is getting better. He always accompanied Fern outside when she got us up in the night for a wee, so I guess he's missing this routine. It's just heartbreaking hearing his grief, and seeing the changes in both of them. We're planning more trips out and longer walks, as we had to limit these as Fern got older, so hopefully this will help.

I'm plannng on starting my leave in June, just before baby arrives, so I can spend as long as possible with baby and the dogs before having to go back to work. I'll be walking the dogs with baby in a sling, as the terrain is too rough for a pushchair where we walk the dogs & I reckon we'll get stuck! I'm looking forward to it, and I know both Bella & Brodie will cope well with a new addition, and I look forward to our child growing up surrounded by animals.

[laura2001]

Thanks Cath. I think we will wait until after baby has arrived and we're settled in our new home before adopting another. I don't think it's fair on a newbie with so many changes ahead of us. The house just feels very strange without a greyhound in it, so I know when the time is right we'll get another. x

[vickyb]

When we had Mark I walked Zeus right up to the evening before I went into labour then was out with him as soon as possible. We had a tough pushchair and it took some hammer walking Zeus over the fields  the advantage was that the rougher it was the more it settled Mark and I could often slide him into his cot for a while when we got home  (born 2nd feb so it was too cold for some time to leave him outside) You'll have the advantage of good weather  

I know what you mean about losing the glue, I didn't realise until she wasn't here just what a big personality Sapphy was. She was such a happy girl and what made it so hard was how much she loved life. I hope Brodie especially adapts over the coming weeks. I just couldn't believe how quiet it could be despite still having 3 dogs. It sounds as if she was noisy and perhaps a high energy dog but she wasn't, it was as if she spread a blanket over us all that we never realised and without it we were lost.  Hugs xxx 

[laura2001]

Sapphy sounds exactly like Fern. No-one else understands how quiet it is without her, as she was the quiet and calm one of the family, yet her presence was immense. Sending hugs to you xxx

I'm hoping to be the same as you describe, out and about with the dogs asap after. I'm not one for sitting still. I've got to be up and about anyway, as we've got tickets to see Tom Jones at Eden a couple of weeks after the due date! Lol!

[barnabell]

Hi Laura,

I think you are doing all you can do and the fact that you are searching for more ways to help Bella and Brodie and how you talk about them here (they are obviously important parts of your family) says that having you and your OH as their owners is the best help they can have. They will slowly adapt to the new stage in their life and they know that you are both their to help them.

If Rescue Remedy is something you use normally, you could try the homeopathic remedy Ignatia which is for acute grief. You get it in little pillues that melt on the tongue (they are quite nice!). If you are in to more alternative things there is reiki or crystals - rose quartz is always my go to stone.

As I said, I think you are doing everything practically that you can do. But remember to look after yourself too! I am so sorry that Fern has gone, it sounds like she had a very loving and happy home.